Haven’t made a decent ramble in so long…

Even though I’m tired, I have so many plans for this week I can’t sleep thinking about them all. Now that I figured out how to use my drawing tablet on my laptop, I can’t put the thing down! There’s so much I want to do with it especially for my blog/pictures in general but I know I should take it slow despite how much I want to dive into it all. Gunna plan out a new video tonight and hopefully film my next video about my history with Asian guys this week. Maybe. I’ll see…I’m actually shocked to see how many subbies I’ve gotten over the last week or two. It makes me feel so glad to see how many are actually wanting to see more from my channel. 

I’m also trying to work full time again because of all I’ve been spending for a few different things like teeth whitening, seeing a well recommended dermatologist, getting on birth control as a result from going to the dermatologist (yes I’m on it now), and other meds to help with my skin issues. Luckily I’m not stressing over paying for this stuff. It really helps to have money saved up in your bank account…I wish I could always remind myself that before I splurge on a box of pizza like I did the other day unnecessarily. *sigh* Speaking of piggin out, I’ve been eating like the most gluttonous creature you could possibly imagine. It’s been mainly horrible food too…idk why. I’m certainly not pregnant but before I went on the pill, I definitely had those concerns. Now that I definitely know I’m not I’m not sure what it is. I just hope I can keep this figure through summer at least because I cannot see my ass going back to the gym while working so much during Texas summer heat. The exhaustion is killing me from the thought.

About summer, I really want to get out of the state of Texas to visit some place. Kevin says he just wants to go to San Antonio which sounds cool and all but it’s still Texas xP I want to go to bigger and better places like California or NY (gal meet omgomgomg) but I can’t do both since my job will probably have to fire me for taking so many days off…then again idk. My co-worker told me today that they allowed him to do it so maybe I’ll be lucky in this case. I’ll have to just wait and see how things pan out after A-KON.

As for A-KON, I am so ready! I need this weekend to go smoothly. No one will ruin it for me and if I get the slightest feeling that someone does, I am poppin off. I hate being around the people who have in the past ruined a con experience for me because they do stupid shit like: complain, show little to no interest in the festivities going around us or appear disinterested, are too lazy to venture into panels, only want you to do what THEY want and don’t know what the idea of splitting up means, and mooches off of you with food, make up, and every other item you have in your possession during the con. Hell…I’ll probably send this out to all my roommates before we all go this year because I refuse to have it AGAIN. I didn’t even really want to go this year and wanted to finally check out anime matsuri instead but that didn’t work out well so I’m stuck again at the same con I go to every year. I need to stop sounding pessimistic so I don’t jinx myself because I’m sure it’ll be a blast, but the little tiny things people do irk me and I’m just not having that. It’s my fault, I’m just too nice to say anything about it but I will this time. 

My giveaway is closed now :/ but I won’t officially close it till later today. I will now end it on that note and continue doodling or maybe watch an anime before I crash. Night followers!~

I’m sorry for leaving you guys hanging on the last post. I have just been coping with life itself and not doing too well in that regard but these past few days looked a little better. Kevin and I are finally able to see each other an entire day out of the week because his manager is now able to give him days off now that they hired a couple of new people, thank goodness. Things have been feeling like before between us because of that :) My laptop will be back in my possession tomorrow or so help me I’m fucking some people up at Microcenter. That also means one more video may be out by this weekend but then again if they did a system restore on it, I’ll have to wait for Kev to reinstall all my softwares -.-  

I am also in the process of buying new contacts (not circle lenses, my actual hard lenses for seeing) with my own money since my mom won’t help me out and it will be all out of pocket because we have no insurance. Her job was suppose to give her insurance in December last year but they fucked up her paperwork somehow and the next time she can apply for it won’t be till this December. So depending on her is not going to be an option because waiting that long is madness. I like my new glasses, but not more than my bare face without them. Honestly, I really do hate the idea of making a video, taking pics, or going out with friends when I am not wearing my contacts. Growing up, being made fun of for wearing glasses for so long has permanently made me feel ugly or damn near disfigured no matter what else I do with my appearance wearing them on. It’s gotten even to the point where sadly, I have refused to hang out with a lot of my friends irl because of that reason because I do not want people to remember me or think of me with my glasses. I hate them so much but for that I feel terrible for but I hope that they won’t think I am some awful person who doesn’t want to spend time with them because I do but at the same time, the feeling ugliness that accompanies me while with them overpowers any other emotion.

So anyway enough of that! Yes, it all fucking blows but it’s not a biggie since Kevin’s job will be able to give me a discount like they did for my glasses. I was just pissed because I paid $140 the other day to get my updated prescription only to find out that my shit didn’t change a bit from 2 years ago when I had my last contact lens checked AND I basically could have gotten a fat discount had I come in last month. OTL despite that, I feel responsible for not having my mommy take care of my medical needs for me. It’s time I do this by myself. She said she’d only spot me $50 which is honestly better than nothing. I also have a small tear and thinning in my retina so I need to also pay out more money soon to see an opthamologist to figure out what I need to do to get that fixed.

It’s all going to be lots of money but I’m going to Parkland which is supposed to be cheaper but apparently now it’s super ghetto…damn the fact that I was even born there but at least I made it out alive but I digress. I might have to get laser eye surgery (not lasik) if worse comes to worse so just pray for me. I will keep you all posted. I have so much to blog about though so this period of not being able to be online like before is really killing me. Anyway, I am about to leave the campus and head home. I just thought it’d be fair to let you guys know what I have been up to. Most importantly, thank you so much for showing your concern…you guys never fail to pick me back up when I feel like I have fallen head first into the ground. Jesus…thank you all so much. My next giveaway will come up soon, that is a promise!

Especially people I have done absolutely nothing to. I nearly even forget about their existence yet they indirectly decide to insult me through their measly channels of expression like I spat in their food. The pity I have these people is nearly more than those living with a fatal disease. They have the most discontent within themselves enough to look at someone who is genuinely happy but feels dissatisfaction in comparison to their own lives. Let me also say that every single person who has had any indirect issue with that I follow online, I always make sure to directly contact them about it so if you think that I don’t read or watch what you have been so eagerly putting out there about me, you will be notified about it very shortly as my patience has run quite thin. It’s disappointing to say the least because I never would have guessed she was no better than the anons that come on my Youtube videos with the thoughtless bullshit that they post. I don’t expect that of anyone really unless there is solid evidence that you dislike me to some degree.

I should never have to explain my actions to any human being. But when people wanna sit their on their asses and act like they are holier than now with their self-righteous attitude and judge me on something that is untrue about my character, I refuse to swallow it. How dare you point your finger at me when there is one pointed straight back at you? Is there really no one ballsy enough to come to my fucking inbox? No man and damn sure no fucking woman, will ever have the courage to stop being so cowardly to come to me with their issues that they clearly have with me I suppose because here we are again. Spotting out someone who has referred to me in their posts without allowing me a single word of clarification on their assumption about why I do the things I do online. Or maybe it’s because they know that deep down the problem doesn’t lie between me and them, the real issue is themselves. They are so clouded with the notion that they’re lives are finally alright when really they have more work to do than they think. Btw, only reason I have yet to send you a message is because I am waiting for your response on the comment I left you so get to that asap so this can be squashed.

I hate to be ranting so much on here…all this negative energy is exhausting and so not worth I am sincerely hoping this will be the last one and for their sake. Let me stop before I say some terribly awful things about this person in case they are reading and I hope they are so they know that I am not fucking around. You need to own up to yourself on why you have been referring to me so often and ask how you can stop feeling jealousy because right now, that’s all it is. God help them in Jesus name, I am finished.

EDIT:

AND ANOTHER THING! While I am still pissed I might as well throw this in. It isn’t about the previous individual it’s about another one entirely. Well few. Why have people lately been condescendingly saying shit to me like “ohhh you’ve gotten sooooooo much better at [insert skill here]! I remember when you did your make up like this and it was terrible hahahaha!!~” Do. Not. Ever. Fucking do that. I will put you on my shit list and I promise you will never get off of it especially if we hardly even talk. They also mainly comment on things related with me when they’re given the opportunity to say such things, otherwise they stay muted. Chances are, you are not a close enough friend of mine if I don’t have a conversation with you on a weekly basis to be saying backhanded compliments like that to me. Conversation meaning more than 3-4 replies. And as for internet friends, I only have a very small handful of girls I can count on and they all know by now who they are. I have a few other online friends that are good to me as well but anyone else, no. Don’t do it. Especially if, gee, idk, your sad attempts at doing the same fucking thing I have done are hardly any better than mine so take a seat and stay seated. I am this close to making someone cry on Facebook next time I see something like that. I need to take my angry ass to bed, good night!

your annoying best friend tells you what you don’t want to hear about how your dealing with a situation with your significant other. I hate hearing what I don’t want to hear but sometimes, it’s absolutely necessary. My emotions right now are all over the place too which isn’t helping with my decision making. Looks like I won’t be seeing him like I had hoped tomorrow. He’s gotten more sick out of nowhere and there’s really not a whole lot I can do about it even if I wanted. He doesn’t want to get me sick so he just wants to be left alone. Luckily I haven’t since we kissed for a while a couple of days ago, still sick just not as sick as he currently is, and I still have yet to come down with anything.

There he goes again, always thinking about others instead of himself and it really is in my best interest to not be near him right now and just let his sickness pass but it is incredibly hard when I clearly have been feeling so distant from him as of late. As I write this I realize how right Derric was about me being insensitive to him and what he wants earlier. Damn best friends and their ability to read you when your right and wrong.

I know I need to just chill. Think more about myself I suppose instead of when the next time me and him will see each other again but it’s so difficult to do that. It’s pathetic, I don’t even need anyone to tell me so…I know it is. This whole securely attached thing I have for him can’t be healthy for my mentality or us. At times, I feel like I come off a bit clingy because of it but it doesn’t shock me since dad was gone to study abroad throughout majority of my childhood. He’d visit for 2 weeks twice a year and would leave. I remember crying a lot because of that. Knowing he had to leave and be gone for an extended amount of months was slowly but surely killing me. So many years were like this that now, that part of me has solidified my determination of making sure to always be with the man who I love the most, and as of this point in my life that’s Kevin. It’s incredibly hard to acknowledge about myself but writing about it helps instead of keeping it bottled up in my head. Pretty sure that’s why I can’t fall asleep tonight.

The thing is, I am stumped on knowing how to deal with this and I’m starting to regret ending my sessions with my old counselor because I’m getting to that point again and it’s happening pretty fast. Group is tomorrow but I’d be shocked if I made it to the meeting because of my lab. I need to talk to them again…it’s been way too long.

These mood swings are always a bitch because I know this frustration towards you is incredibly selfish and unfair, but for some reason I am still facing a struggle suppressing them enough to not take it out on you. After all, you have way more on your plate than I can even imagine and yet here I am wanting you to myself for just a few hours when there’s so much you need to take care of including yourself. I hate hearing that you’re sick and won’t have a day off till God knows when too. I can’t stand that you are being forced to work so many days out of the week while going to school especially considering the classes you’re taking.

The part that devastates me about this is that as much as I want to tell you that I am not upset at you but rather the situation you are in, I don’t want to make you feel bad about it since it’s not in your control. Reminding you about it will only keep you upset and I’d hate to be responsible over your discontentment. I just fucking miss you so much. I feel so far from you lately despite seeing you for less than two hours twice a week. And I honestly loaaaaaaaaaathe your new job to the most extreme degree that at this point, I really wish you would just quit already. If it were only as easily done as said, right? Bills need to be paid, so on and so forth…yeah, I heard that before countless times. Even today, I almost feel like tearing up after thinking of how much you work your ass off on nearly every aspect of your life. It seems so tiring and makes me feel like a lazy sack of shit thinking of the times when I felt like I was being overworked with school and other personal obligations. 

You deserve the luxury of not working all the time like I have. I admire that you work hard but I cannot stand knowing you can’t live the way you want because of always having to make money. The thought of you missing out on potentially fond memories at fun events several times also get me upset for you and I just know how you’d enjoy seeing your friends more or even mine. Maybe I’m just the bad influence here and am unintentionally convincing you to live a life of leisure by not working as much as you have been but at least you’d be happier than you seem now. I don’t even want to hear about you needing to go in at a certain time before you have to go after class because my anger I have for your job is that bad right now. I think I’ll just keep you at a slight distance just to make sure I don’t say the wrong thing accidentally, because I am just so salty over this work schedule of yours. This is what happens when you go from seeing each other so much to seeing each other so rarely. Couldn’t imagine what LDRs are like…oh my fucking hell. 

heyitsniji: Have you ever been in a situation where you like this guy ...but he has a preference. I seem to always have that because most of my crushes(asian guys) prefer white girls or asian girls... I really hate how we have prefernces...
  

I hope you don’t mind that I publish this since I kinda want my followers to read this story of mine. If so, I’m so sorry! ^^; *ahem* Oh YES! I have for sure and it is such an annoying situation to find yourself in, believe me…it’s sadly happened countless times. It’s a shock I didn’t give up before meeting my boyfriend.

Just about ALL of the Asian guys I had crushes on in high school had heavy preferences for other Asians or white chicks strictly. Maybe also a Hispanic girl but she’d have to have super fair skin along with other requirements making them similar to your typical white girl. The white guys had the same ideology, but they seemed a little more lenient with their choices for their potential girlfriends…but just barely.My friend who was an Asian guy told me he wouldn’t get with anyone darker than him ;__; He’s still a friend to me now and no, I was not interested in him in the least but to this day, I still remember how bothered I was by that.

It bothers me because long ago, I used to think that the only attractive men were super light skinned black boys. Chris Brown looking dudes were the only ones I’d want to get with. At that time, the thought of being with a white or Asian guy was literally comical. I’d be such a douche enough to give stupid reasons that included all the stereotypes they had supporting my reason why I would never be compatible with them. I should mention that I also based this from the ones that I have meet which were not many at all. To say I was being narrow-minded would be a heavy understatement.

Now that you know my story and my experience that I had, you can kind of get an idea why people who have heavy preferences disappoint me to some extent. It’s fine if you genuinely do NOT want somebody because the chemistry isn’t there or what have you. However, when you make the quick decision that this person who you don’t even know yet will not be suitable for you based on their ethnic background then there is a problem and personally, I just wouldn’t bother trying to forming a relationship with those people. All of the white and Asian guys I liked that had racial preferences eventually looked tremendously unappealing after realizing how close minded they were. Such shallow demeaning reasons for not wanting to even try to get to know somebody on an intimate level is inexcusable in my book especially if you know damn well that the entire population of a group of people are vastly different from one another. There are still other factors than just race that come into play like cultural differences, parents, religion, and so on but I’m not going to go into that.

One of the reasons why I think it sucks so much is because it happens a lot with black girls who want to date outside of our race it seems but you gotta keep your head up, look forward to the better fishes out there and forget all of those guys who look for one generic ass type. That’s how I never got too depressed over that throughout the years :)

But I hope you’re not just limiting yourself to just Asian guys. The perfect boyfriend could be any race as I’m sure you know after reading this heavy passage of mine so just keep your eyes open for a guy that has a great personality for you more than anything else and don’t let any fantasies cloud your judgement. I say that because I would go to school looking for a guy that looked like Se7en back when I first found out who he was -.- Such embarrassing times to revisit in my mind. Anyway, I hope this lengthy response helped out a bit ^ ^

with the sex gifs I’m seeing on tumblr tonight on my dash and I won’t for the next few nights before Sunday, hopefully. Even the movie we watched tonight (Cloud Atlas) had a hot sex scene that made the both of us think about it. It’s been over 2 weeks…TWO FUCKING WEEKS!! *punches through a wall* It’ll be 3 next Tuesday…and I wouldn’t have to count if it didn’t matter so much but I am so uneasy right now because of it >:x Sometimes I wish it wasn’t this good so I can go on for months on end without having it if the situation forces me to, but that is not the case so even a time frame as little as 2 weeks kills my reproductive soul. Fack, fack, fack, why meeee?

We couldn’t even cuddle before he left like we’d hoped because he needed to be home early tonight and the movie ended right when he needed to leave. Pretty sure I slightly annoyed him when I kept whining about wanting him to come up with me but mainly because he knew he couldn’t do anything about it. I gotta stop doing that….making him feel like it’s his fault for us not seeing each other. I never realize how I come off when I do, it just comes out. I’ve just really missed being intimate on that level even though a month hasn’t even gone by. I never tell this to my friends since any time I do, they always shut me down by saying at least I’m getting some while they recently ended their relationships, thus, aren’t sexually active. So here I am. On my blog, venting about my sexual frustration to whoever reads these rambles of mine…again. I think I’ll make it if I just try not to stay on that train of thought if I can help it.

Other than that, school started for me on Tuesday and I like my classes so far finally at a university. I’ve already someone who is going into the same program as me and Kev so he’s definitely going to be my buddy so I can get more info on the profession. I hope my organic chem class isn’t too tough though. Professor seems cool but I already do not like how she lectures at all, plus last time I took a chem class was over the summer last year so my memory’s a bit foggy. I should seriously get some sleep now since I’ll wake up a bit early in the morning. I might get to see him after class tomorrow but I’m not counting on it since he’ll have to work right after. I hate this so much…well I’m out.

Well, most likely since tomorrow I’ll be celebrating NYE with the family. Not sure how to wrap up this year tbh…so much has happened. Both good and bad but in my case, I’d say mostly good things. I feel like I have become a better person this year in a few areas I’ve been meaning to work on but I’d still like to continue to improve on my relations with others like my friends. They’re always trying to reach out to me, especially lately, but I keep putting them on hold and it’s not fair to them at all. It’s not that I don’t want to be around them, but it’s largely because of my exhaustion of working my ass off at this job. I can’t wait till school starts so I can either work either two days out of the week, or quit and return during the summer time. I’ll find another way to make money somehow during next semester. I hope it won’t be too much on my car driving up there but at least it’ll only be twice a week. So happy with my schedule because of that reason alone! 

I hope to as always amp up my Youtube videos and blog content, but that’s a given. I’m actually going to see if I can squeeze in a vlog tomorrow to be uploaded onto my channel but I’ll see how that goes. I really hope to do at least 3-4 giveaways next year :) And also start saving up for my trip to Japan in 2014! That is definitely going to be my biggest challenge but it must be done. Even if I’m the only person out of those who say they are going to come that actually buys a ticket and goes so be it! I’m young, and this is the years I will remember for the remainder of my life. I hope Kevin agrees to come with me too! But I should really go to sleep since I’ve had a bad habit of sleeping late and waking up early af for work. Not a good idea, ever! Next year, things will be different for the better for me! My goals are small, but have big results if achieved this time around. I’m hoping I can make things happen :) Night guys!

works wonders!! I must do a review, the before and after pictures are a little sickening but it just shows how effective it is! And it was on sale, omg crazy! I also got a lip tint and another cleanser for when I need to really wash off my excess make up from my face. Too much temptation when I walk into that store, I swear. Never again will I go there with my wallet…or Kevin since he likes to spoil me so much > < But I do hope within the next month or two, my skin smooths and evens out because right now I still have acne scars and I really am trying to avoid having to go to a dermatologist. Only time will tell.